PIERWSZY, PUBLICZNY WIERSZ- PROSZę O KOMENTOWANIE- Amatorka

[poetka_amatorka]

Cztery ściany życia

Każdy z nas ma cztery ściany,
Ściany swego życia
Czy żywot jest to udany?
Czy nie trzeba nam jakiegoś odkrycia?

Pierwsza ściana: praca
Największa, ciągle rosnąca
I choć nie zawsze to popłaca
Potrzeba jest to niemalejąca

Druga ściana: dom i rodzina
Którą trzeba utrzymać
A kiedy kochać się ją zaczyna
Nie udaje nam się jej zatrzymać

Trzecia ściana to praca w domu
Którą przynosisz, bo tak trzeba
Nie pomaga to nikomu
Może to tylko wewnętrzna potrzeba…

Czwarta ściana to prywatne życie
Najmniejsza, najbardziej krucha
Tu można znaleźć ukrycie
Dla własnego, zmęczonego ducha…

W tych ścianach żyjemy
Obracamy się co dzień
Inaczej już być nie umiemy
Ulegamy przejściowej modzie…

P.S. W tytule miałam na myśli to, że jestem amatorką...

[kreska]

a skąd te rymy częstochowskie u Ciebie? uczysz się pisać wiersze, tak? zdaje się, że chcesz napisać o współczesności a używasz archaizmów, zupełenie niepotrzebnie , chyba, że to rodzaj manifestu...
ojej...a masz coś jeszcze?

pozdrawiam

[Jureczek]

A mnie się wiersz podobał,
Pozdrawiam

[Mystery]

Myśl i motyw przewodni może i ciekawe, ale te rymy... bardzo szkolne. Kojarzy mi się z wyliczanką podwórkową typu Jurek ogórek, kiełbasa i sznurek... czy jakoś tak.

[Jureczek]

Przejrzałem inne wpisy na Forum , Autorki wiersza i przeczytałem że ona ma 13 lat.
A ten pomysł z czterema ścianami domu , jako opisami pracy bardzo mi się podoba. I trudno jest napisać wiersz o sprawach codziennych, prostymi słowami , ale zachęcający do jakiejś refleksji.
I najważniejszy w wierszu to jest pomysł i klimat serdeczny.
Więc myślę, że rymy to jest sprawa drugorzędna i melodię wiersza Autorka będzie stopniowo udoskonalać z wiersza na wiersz.
Pozdrowienia.

[poetka_amatorka]

Witam,
Bardzo Wam dziękuję za komentarze, mam nadzieję, że każdy następny wiersz będzie trochę lepszy... Mam jeszcze wiele utworów, ale nie wszystkie widzą światło dzienne...

Rozważania IV

W pędzie, gonitwie
Spraw codziennych, zwykłych
Żyjemy jak na bitwie
-strategią szans nikłych

Liczy się dla nas tu i teraz
A co dalej? To się okaże…
Lecz później myślimy nieraz:
Kto nasze błędy zamaże?

Życie w pośpiechu to jak brak życia
Myślenie teraz i tu jest złe
Na bitwie nie ma ukrycia
Jak rozwiązać sprawy te?

Wystarczy choć trochę się zatrzymać
Rozejrzeć dookoła, zauważyć ludzi
Wybiegać w przyszłość myślą, fason trzymać
Do życia nas to obudzi

Starajmy się żyć pełnią życia
Lecz mieć czas na przemyślenia
Znajdźmy miejsce do żalów ukrycia,
Spełnijmy czasem swoje marzenia.

P.s. Na razie wychodzą mi tylko wiersze o tematyce raczej pesymistycznej, dotyczącej codziennych spraw, choć chciałabym zacząć pisać o czymś innym, ale na razie nic z tego nie wychodzi...

[nemo]

na siłę to się i sztangi nie podniesie. dla Ciebie codzienne jest coś co dla mnie może być wielkim odkryciem:)

[kati13]

BRAWO!!!! WSPANIAŁE!!!

[poetka_amatorka]

Bardzo dziękuję za dalsze komentarze, przesyłam "dziecko" z czerwca:

Dotyk szczęścia

Szczęścia dotknięcie
Tak mało znaczy
Lekkie muśnięcie
Ale tak dobrze to zobaczyć.

Świeże spojrzenie
Na stare problemy
Dobre zbawienie
właściwie wszystko tym ratujemy.

Wszyscy to lubią
Wszyscy to mają
Ciągle to gubią
I znów zaznają.

[Jureczek]

Ładnie to ujęłaś,
Pozdrawiam
Jurek

[QUEEN OF ENGLAND]

dobre, dobre, powiem wiecej, takie sobie

[poetka_amatorka]

A oto kolejne "wypociny":

Kropla

Kropla radości
Bo żyje i taka wesoła
Radość codzienności
Nic jej zagłuszyć nie zdoła .

Jak zwinie się rusza…!
Jak ładnie, jak żywo!
Aż raduje się ludzka dusza
Widząc wesołe ogniwo.

Świat dobra i zabawy,
Życia tylko jedną chwilą,
Ona nie zwraca uwagi na ludzkie sprawy
Życie jej wszyscy umilą.

Lecz nagle- kropla spada,
Zsuwa się ku śmierci,
Jej życie w nicość zapada,
I po chwili nie będzie już w niczyjej pamięci…


P.S. Mam nadzieję, że Was tym za bardo nie zanudzam...

[welfareheals]

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